Oh the I fun of going from complete elation and glee.. to feeling so low that you have to pull your chin off the floor. It happens so often you would think I am used to it by now. But the fact that you never know when it’s coming always catches me off guard.
Last night was a rollercoaster. I loved having people over, doing all the cooking and decorating.. I loved playing the music and laughing and singing .. and I loved the booze. I am really not supposed to drink… At ALL. Mixing drinks with my medication is not only dangerous, it causes the swings to rapidly cycle. But fuck that.. it’s New Year’s Eve and I refuse to lay down and allow my illness beat me just yet. So I like to play hard.. I like to tempt fate.. and I have always lived dangerously.
The high was great. I danced with my friends, we played cards against humanity and everything was going great.. Until my boyfriend called to say he would not be coming home from work until well after 2am. Long after everyone would be gone and I was left to clean up the mess and and sit.. alone…..drunk… and listen to the horrible sound of my own thoughts.
When it’s quiet… is when my brain goes into hyper drive. My own thoughts are always of death.. and the constant nagging feeling that I have overstayed my place on this planet. I can’t control it. especially when I am drinking. Its like fuel to self destructive thinking. And while I was still giddy with the fun I had… I made the mistake of checking into my rl facebook… and there it was… yet Another friend passed away. This time it was cancer. In the past year 5 people my age have died. I deactivated my rl facebook for months.. but something made me want to check it. Mostly it was so that I could pop in on my Sister and Mother.. perhaps a little video chat ..but neither answered… which only made me even more alone. And so the thoughts came again.
The thoughts are usually the same as they have been since the 3rd grade. They tell me I should die. They tell me that I am not worth anything to anyone. The tell me that I am a waste of space and that my life has been a series of mistakes and that I have only to look forward a long slow death of my body braking down and having to take even more pills to help correct the high blood pressure, the thyroid, the anxiety, the depression, the mood stabilizers and the sleeping pills. So many pills… and none even get me high.. what a waist. I used to get a nice buzz from the Xanax, but now my body is so used to it .. its just another pill…. to help me not freak out in the grocery store.
So… I write ‘The note”… not realizing that I would end up sharing it with my shit with the whole community on sl.. And I am sorry for that. I was careless and so new to the whole wordpress procedures. I am not one for sympathy. Actually I hate it. I am not a ‘hugger’.. and I am usually pretty tight lipped when it comes to my shit. But my therapist swears writing will help me.. and I agree.. In time I see that this will open all kinds of doors I have slammed shut and barricaded with barbed wire and nails
Anwayyyy… This began as a story about how I feel that Second Life saved my life.. and eventually I will get there.. in the meantime I will say Thanks for reading.. and Thanks for following.. and Thank you for commenting!! Maybe this dark loner who is terminally quiet might just say something of value .. at the very least it keeps the thoughts at bay.